Old Notebooks

DICTATED TO RM

C3: Thoughts on superheroes, geek culture and the length of Chris Hemsworth’s thighs.

C4: Early draft of “The Cauliflower Conundrum.” This gripping tale of passion and agricultural intrigue served as the primary inspiration for Caulis: The Motion Picture.

 

WRITTEN IN FULFILLMENT OF PROPHECY

JJ: Thoughts on race. Extended meditations on blackness, brownness and whiteness, with supplementary remarks on yellowness and transparency.

K1: The Alejandro Codex. Thirteen paragraphs on the death of music, followed by forty-two paragraphs on pop’s resurrection and its second coming in glory.

 

PARTIALLY PLAGIARISED FROM THE LETTERS OF PLINY THE YOUNGER

V2: Throwing a Javelin from Horseback and Other Methods of Dispatching One’s Ideological Opponents When Rational Argument Proves Ineffective.

V6: “Make No Secret of Thine Evil Ways,” a letter written by LV to his cousin, appointed special adviser to the Governor of Bayelsa State in June 2014.

 

WRITTEN WHILE ON FIRE

L21: Corbyn, The Musical.

 

ENDORSED BY THIRD WORLD DICTATORS

F5: Commentary on Sun Tzu and Clausewitz. Essays on the art of winning cooking competitions by subterfuge and cunning.

F8: The Haringey Notebook, containing LV’s celebrated poems, “Ode to Mugabe’s Moustache” and “The Devilfish Sonnet.” The latter famously begins, “Shall I compare thee to a manta ray?”

 

WRITTEN IN SANSKRIT

M1: The Molly Manuscript. 217 sheets of printing paper covered in undecipherable text.

[Editor’s note: Lucas can neither read nor write Sanskrit. M1 is written in what some scholars have charitably called a language of his own devising and others have, perhaps less charitably, called gibberish.]

 

FOUND PINNED TO RM’S ROTTING CORPSE

C9: Further thoughts on the disposition of CH’s limbs, the consistency of his internal organs and the energy efficiency of industrial freezers.

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